comprehension.

And now, things are different. I don't play games any more, I can't. I am less manipulative, I talk more. I don't spend my time devising machinations and that soul-searing hurt I used to wear proudly is becoming a tinge. I remember that I don't always see things with perspective. I remember that everyone is fucked up, and glorious, and has secrets I will never know and mostly deserve my love and respect til they prove otherwise. I remember that everyone I meet is probably fighting a hard battle. I remember that there are some friendships that I have fucked up irrevocably and need to grow again from scratch. I know that I am quick to judge and vengeful and hold people to exacting standards. I know deep down I'm still hurting, wounds I'm tired of looking at, that I hope good sex and copious amounts of alcohol will heal one day. I know that I believe in a God, in some kind of benevolent force in the Universe that wishes only good things, I know that if things are always ok in the end, and if they're not good then it's not the end yet. I know that I get jealous of girls who travel, girls who will be doctors when that goal is fast disappearing off my horizon and I know I must remind myself of what I have, what I hold so dear. I have friends whose presence I cherish, and a family I have come to realize is beyond what I deserve. I have someone I love; 'when you know, you know' and I didn't want to date him almost because I knew that he was the end of my broken road. I lie in his bed or mine and most times I am amazed.