wellington/truth

It's a terrifying thing to own up, out loud, how you really feel, to express thoughts that you never ever thought would leave the recesses of your brain.

I think I'm depressed. Like, need medication so I'm not found at the bottom of a river depressed.

I constantly hope not to wake up tomorrow morning because being in my head is too goddamn exhausting in the worst way.

On the really bad days, I wonder how much more self-hate it will take to snap me, and comfort myself with the knowledge that it can't be much more.

I want to get into medical school so that I will finally have a reason for my parents to love me, so I can finally be at peace with the shitty kid I used to be who made all the shitty choices.

I am an expert at making shitty decisions and shitty friends who I can never talk to about anything; ironically I befriend them because I know that they aren't the type to probe and ask questions.

Three years ago, I made one of the hardest decisions anyone ever has to make, and I am racked with guilt as to what I made of my life after making that decision. The person closest to me at the time then proceeded to finish emotionally abusing me, manipulating me with his bullshit lies to 'see if I really loved him'. I dumped him two years too late.

I still feel guilty, because there are people in my life who I love dearly who will maybe feel like their presence is not enough; and to that I can only say that the fact that you exist is probably the reason I push these thoughts away as hard and fast as I can, because you guys, you hold me up and you make me want to deserve you, you make me want to be nothing but happy for a life that you are present in.