good girl gone rogue

here

wellington/truth

It's a terrifying thing to own up, out loud, how you really feel, to express thoughts that you never ever thought would leave the recesses of your brain.

I think I'm depressed. Like, need medication so I'm not found at the bottom of a river depressed.

I constantly hope not to wake up tomorrow morning because being in my head is too goddamn exhausting in the worst way.

On the really bad days, I wonder how much more self-hate it will take to snap me, and comfort myself with the knowledge that it can't be much more.

I want to get into medical school so that I will finally have a reason for my parents to love me, so I can finally be at peace with the shitty kid I used to be who made all the shitty choices.

I am an expert at making shitty decisions and shitty friends who I can never talk to about anything; ironically I befriend them because I know that they aren't the type to probe and ask questions.

Three years ago, I made one of the hardest decisions anyone ever has to make, and I am racked with guilt as to what I made of my life after making that decision. The person closest to me at the time then proceeded to finish emotionally abusing me, manipulating me with his bullshit lies to 'see if I really loved him'. I dumped him two years too late.

I still feel guilty, because there are people in my life who I love dearly who will maybe feel like their presence is not enough; and to that I can only say that the fact that you exist is probably the reason I push these thoughts away as hard and fast as I can, because you guys, you hold me up and you make me want to deserve you, you make me want to be nothing but happy for a life that you are present in.

breathe, stretch, shake

OK, I haven't been studying all day. Or at all, at any point today. I'm still trying to get my head around being back here, with all the new realizations and epiphanies I've had over my four days away. I mean, I might not even be coming back here, and that is starting to terrify me, because I am nothing if not a compulsive worrier. But me and Shaun? We don't have anything to worry about, because even when he's cussing me out he's too cute to break up with over the fact that we may be a long distance couple next year. And by that of course, I mean that I love the guy, not hopelessly, not madly, but surely.

Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

Yeah, I saw 500 Days of Summer two nights ago, and I am decidedly out of love with Zooey Deschanel; this is unfortunately because Joseph Gordon-Levitt acts her off the screen in every. goddamn. scene and her manic pixie dream girl act falls so completely short, and just grates. Granted, her lines were awful; her characterization was one of the worst things about this movie. And he's wringing his lines for every drop of emotion but so skillfully that it breaks your heart as you watch his face, he's falling back in love and oh, it hits just right. There are some truly beautiful bits in this movie, and the ones that fall short do so mainly because of my FORMER HOME GIRL'S abysmal acting, and terribs lines. Soundtrack is excellent, I've been cranking it for a couple of weeks now :) The girl who plays Tom's sister is fucking fantastic, I love her, she reminds me of Dru.

i got my sights set on you

doop doop de doo..

I'm on a secret-squirrel-sanity-restoring mission.

i do it for the thugs & the mother fuckin' gangstas

There ain't no therapy like retail therapy! Ayyyy!! Haha no but seriously. These necklaces were a super-score, and I'm feeling the Rachel Zoe aesthetic (devilishly skinny, unconcerned and a perfect monotone with a tendency for nasally extending vowel sounds.) $2 each from Dotti.

"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same."

I woke up this morning feeling just as shit as I did before bed. Sure, I was rested and it wasn't 2am and I wasn't crying anymore. How much does that really matter when you've had one of those nights you've been dreading, where truths came out and more than one person cried and instead of epiphanies all you're left with is doubt seeping into everything. Doubt, and all the progress you think you've made is gone, and all there is, in the end, is a girl who fucks up everything.

I hope I'm not deluded in thinking that I may be alright for this exam, if I keep up the cramming. Then sixteen glorious days in which to study health microbiology (read: Staph, Toxoplasmosis, Giardia & the microbiota of the oral cavity, tres fascinating!!) and MAOR110 then GET BLAZED, pack my shit, move houses and GO HOME for five days before hitting up WELLINGTON, watch people get married, CELEBRATE TURNING 21, hang out with dee & photowhore the fuck out of Wellington (oh, this city, it holds fast in the chambers of my heart!) before going home again and working two jobs (transient stage) before settling back into Birkies & croissants and getting slight poisoning from the Link bus exhaust and selling shoooooooes & impulse shopping in my breaks.